If you’ve been wondering why I haven’t yet written about my #1 film of 2019, Cats — outside of 700 ill-advised tweets I promised to delete and then didn’t — it’s frankly because I’ve had too much to say. Like Smash before it, Cats is a beautiful (ghost) mess I’m incapable of shutting up about. I feared that if I started writing about Cats I would simply never stop. And yet, I couldn’t just let this moment pass without saying anything: After all, it’s our collective Cats-induced derangement that has kept that film in theaters. Screenings are quite literally selling out because people need to know if the shit they’ve read on Twitter is real (and also a lot of us just keep going back).
So anyway, I decided to rank all the cats in the movie Cats by how much they fuck, and I’m sorry. This is subjective and not literal (except when it is) and also subscribers in my family may only skim (no close reading). I feel like I need to reiterate that these are the cats in the movie, not the stage musical. I know Bombalurina is morally neutral in the original show, but she got a villain edit in the movie, please yell at Lee Hall and not at me. Also I left out the cats I couldn’t remember, with apologies to Coricopat and Tantomile stans. (Previously: A ranking of the songs in the 2019 Oklahoma! revival by how much they fuck.)
15. Macavity the Mystery Cat. What?? How could you rank Idris Elba so low? Here is the thing: the digital fur technology was especially unkind to Idris Elba’s perfect body. Here is the other thing: you can’t fuck if you’re not there. Macavity is post-sex. His only kink now is magic.
14. Growltiger. I feel like, at one point, Growltiger did fuck. (Regrettably, Cats makes it clear that he does have balls.) Very little fucking at this point, however.
13. Bustopher Jones. That moment when he’s guzzling ale or whatever and it looks like the GIF of Guy Fieri tongue-fucking a Pellegrino is honestly very sexual, but it’s also so upsetting that I would like to Eternal Sunshine it from my brain, and firmly state for the record that Bustopher Jones does not fuck.
12. Grizabella the Glamour Cat. Used to fuck, evidently. There’s a real slut-shamey vibe to her whole deal. Does not fuck now, but like, who knows what goes on in the Heaviside Layer?
11. Jennyanydots the Gumbie Cat. She sits and sits and sits. I feel like if she also fucked, Munkustrap would let us know.
10. Victoria the White Cat. A very sexy baby. But no. While I understand there is some sort of sexual tension between her and Mr. Mistoffelees, this is a ranking of the cats by how much they fuck, not by how much they nuzzle.
9. Bombalurina. This one’s a tough call: Cats clearly wants us to think that Bombalurina fucks, because they gave her… well, human breasts. She’s supposed to be evil and sexy, but her relationship with Macavity feels weirdly platonic. Like, maybe it happened once, but now they’re just really good friends who sometimes laugh about it when they’re high on catnip.
8. and 7. Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. Oh, absolutely. ...Not with each other, pervs.
6. Gus the Theatre Cat. Here is where I remind you that being a person or thing who fucks is not always about literal fucking. So while Asparagus is very much past his prime — that’s kind of his whole thing — he’s got real stage presence. And you know what? No longer a terror to mice or to rats aside, he can still produce blood-curdling noises to bring on the ghost. Which feels like a euphemism?
5. Rum Tum Tugger. I mean, duh. Never forget that Rum Tum Tugger was once sued for being too sexy. Movie Tugger has the added benefit of being Jason Derulo. This one’s a no-brainer.
4. Mr. Mistoffelees. Suffers from performance anxiety, but who among us. While the heterosexualization of Mr. Mistoffelees remains one of the film’s greatest crimes, there is no denying that this cat fucks. Also, when Old Deuteronomy is breaking the fourth wall, Mr. Mistoffelees is, like, aggressively licking his lips, and it’s unfortunately very erotic.
3. Old Deuteronomy. There is no thirstier cat in Cats. When she lifts her leg for Gus? Thrilling.
2. Munkustrap. On the one hand, this is not a ranking of the cats in Cats by how hot they are. That is boring and reductive and not at all the point, especially when it comes to how much one fucks. On the other hand, Robbie Fairchild.
1. Skimbleshanks. Skimble, where is Skimble? Probably fucking. The overwhelming sexual energy of this tabby could single-handedly power a locomotive. Choo-fucking-choo.
Photo via Universal Pictures.
You asked family not to read in depth but I did anyway. I thought it was funny.